Weekend Update

Wayne needed assistance getting to Houston. He hasn't eaten anything of substance in over a week, and has lost at least 10 pounds ... probably more. Worried that he would not be able to carry his luggage, walk through the airport, or get himself food once he was in his hotel, I asked his best friend Randy to go with him.

And Randy said yes instantly.
And his wife Kaycee was amazing and supportive
and sent him off with a smile ...
(Kaycee JUST moved to Denver a week ago with the 4 kids - she has a TON on her plate.)

And when Wayne woke up and I told him what I did, he got mad. Really mad.

So is the cycle. Him not knowing what is best... What his limitations are.
Me second-guessing my decisions when he gets upset.

Trying to be more empathic and understanding to him while also growing a THICKER skin. Easier said than done.

So those of you who think we are some sort of power couple and tackling Cancer without issue, please know we are just human and doing the best we can.
Wayne has bad days. I have bad days.
Sometimes he feels bitter. I feel guilt. We both feel joy. 
I am not some sort of cheerleader or super wife.
He is not always strong.
We are just human. 


And I want to share that side of things with you.
The real side of battling cancer.
And ... it's another reason I took comments off.
I don't think I could stand to share some of this if I had to worry
what people would say.

So read at your own risk, okay?

Now Wayne is gone. Flying to Houston as I type this (with Randy, thank goodness). And he texted me twice, which is more communication than we have had in days, which means two things:
he is feeling better and he is glad Randy is with him.

This morning I took the kids to church and then to McDonalds for lunch. Claire kept saying, "Church! Church," like I was FINALLY taking her somewhere she has been wanting to go (that picture is her all cute this morning). 

And Caeden. Oh Caeden. He said, "Now Mom, I am thinking this kindergarten isn't for me. I want Gold Rush." And I explained Church and School were different ... he knows this, right? He didn't. So, we will be going every Sunday. What a wake up call.

And here I am this morning via brilliant budding photographer Claire. I let her use the phone for brief moments while I get ready because it's the only thing that allows me to handle a hot curling iron without fear she will grab for it. Anyway, she loves to take pictures. 

Just like her Mama. Love that.

So.

We are now waiting for news from Houston. 

We'll know something on Tuesday.

Listening to these songs quite a bit lately:


Stuck in  a Moment by U2

Why Georgia by John Mayer

Carnival.

I remember the anticipation of waiting for the carnival to come to town. Living in a small, barely-there town in Wyoming meant when the carnival came ... it was a big deal.

As a child, it meant trying to talk my little brother into some of the more daring rides. Eating as much junk food as my Mom would buy me, and thinking, "How does life get any better?"

As a young teen, it meant the social calendar was full every night. Getting dressed up to walk around with my girlfriends, holding hands with my boyfriend, and screaming at the top of my lungs, "We're all gunna DIE!!!" as my favorite ride, the 'Zipper,' hurtled us towards the ground.

And, now, as an adult ... as a parent ... I take a look at these 'set up overnight' sensations with skeptical eyes and wonder how in the world this could all actually be safe?

Well, the carnival has come to town in Parker. Over the past week we have watched as it has come to life and today is the day Caeden gets to experience it for himself. I promised him I would ride on anything he wanted me to with him. He could try funnel cakes. We would stay for as long as he wanted.

Today the carnival has come to town ... and I intend to make sure Caeden's memories of what small town life can be like are just as special as mine.

Photo Credit Here.

P.S.

Going to give blog comments a break - so hopefully you can just read and NOT feel like you have to post something. Pressure is gone.

And.

I am done with Facebook.

Simplifying for the summer. Feels good to let it all go.

More. (But Last of It.) -- Lindsay's Never Ending Shower Pics. :)

Wanted to "borrow" her flower clip. So dang cute.

Wayne's sister, Nikki.

Kelly and her little guy, N. I cannot tell you the baby urge I felt when I held him!!!

 

Joanna, Jordan's sister. SUCH a doll.

In the corner, my Mother in Law, Donna. I love her so.

And the gorgeous blond? Andrea. Bride to be next weekend! I am shooting her wedding, so you KNOW there will be pictures to share.

Strawberry bellini. Pink chair (If you didn't know this about me, uh, I am a girlie girl...). Lindsay looking so pretty in her cream dress.

Here's the three of us. I love this picture as my Mom hates her picture taken, so we don't have very many good ones of the three of us together.

You know what else I love about this one? Lindsay's ring finger hand up by her neck. She favors that hand. I really love that.

On a completely unrelated note, thank you so much for all the emails and texts and comments yesterday. Sometimes when I just let it all out, I get embarrassed by the attention it brings. I appreciate you all and love you all so much, but please don't feel like you have to respond.

We will all be okay. 

Thank you for letting me share.

This blog is definitely my soft place to fall.

Thank you for that.

Wayne had a much better night last night. 

He is on some new meds and got some more Zofran ... and took some Ambien (sp?). 

That combo worked well...

Overnight ...

 

Overnight the roses in my backyard bloomed gorgeous, hot pink flowers.

Overnight my little girl decided she was big enough to climb out of her crib and walk downstairs.

"Good Morning, Mommy," she said.

Overnight I went from running 5 miles at a 9:40 pace ...

to running 3 miles at a 7:20 pace and the other two at an 8:20 pace.

 

Wayne is not doing well. The side effects of his chemo leave him very weak,

sick, and tired. He doesn't like to talk.

Not sure how much he even hears me say when I try talking to him.

I wish this would all go away overnight.

Most of the time, I feel like I can handle everything.

But, not so overnight, I feel like I am slowly losing a grip on most everything.

Cancer, I think, does this to a family. Things are fine one day.

Then, overnight they are not. Even if nothing has changed.

I haven't really shared the rawness I am feeling lately; I hope it doesn't freak you all out.

The other night I was watching Caeden sleep. He was in a really deep sleep ... and he had beads of sweat on his face and neck. His mouth was open a little bit, and he was clutching his favorite blanket tightly. I watched him sleep for a long time. Just taking him in. 

Being so happy to sit and watch him. So peaceful.

So, I count my blessings and I pray a lot. I ask for wisdom and strength, mostly. 

I also give thanks. Because no matter what, there is so much to be grateful for. 

And I need to remember that when I feel like it is all out of my reach.

Shower ... Part Two.

Ever After ... { Lindsay's Bridal Shower }

Girlie Bridal Shower ...

Gorgeous Bride to Be.

Peonies all over the place.

Music.

Champagne.

Laughter.

Everyone dressed up.

Did I mention how beautiful Lindsay looked??

 

Itty Bitty Chalkboards throughout the house spelling out messages like :

Love ... Ever After ... and - my favorite, 

All You Need is Love ....

(because I really believe if you have that, everything else in life will be okay).

What kind of photographer would I be not to steal Lindsay away for a quick 5 minute shoot? 

She is such a vision. So, so happy for my baby sister.

I hosted brunch ... so there was french toast skewers, yogurt parfaits, quiche, blueberry muffins, fresh fruit Bellinis (fruit puree and champagne), etc. Girlie food.

Peonies. Sigh.

 

There will be more tomorrow. And probably the next day, too...

Bridal Shower | Colorado | Lindsay Nelson

A quick picture to show you my smashing sister. She GLOWED today.

Mission accomplished. She felt adored, celebrated, and special.

She is all of those things. And more.

Lots more.

I have so much to share ... but we are going for round 2 tonight ... off to celebrate outside with lemon martinis and lots of fun.

But you better believe there will be more pictures & stories tomorrow...

XOXO

Val

Round Two. Done.

A quick post to let you know Wayne has completed his second round of chemo (each round is two weeks).

He's doing great!

He'll be in Houston in a couple of weeks for scans. We'll know then how he is responding to this treatment.

As always, I'll keep you updated ...

This is an image I found here. Reminds me of a field I just found the other day on my way to Castle Rock. Lots of green trees and yellow flowers. It also has a barbwire fence, unfortunately. Hard to catapult little ones across it... but I will probably try it anyway. Either with a couple of lovebirds or maybe some of my recent bookings will be game.

I sure hope so. Brilliant location.

And this shot. Just because...

Here We Go ...

My baby sister is getting married. Just in case you didn't know.

I am hosting her bridal shower on Saturday. Brunch with Bellinis, french toast and fruit on skewers, lots of bluberries ... and many more of her favorites to be served on pretty cake plates.

There will be flowers everywhere.

Girlie music.

Lots of laughing, sharing, catching up.

My Mom arrives tonight. My inlaws and sister in law on Friday.

Guests from all over to celebrate my sister and what it means to marry her love.   

Her love.

So today I have a list that I created backwards from the moment the party starts to right now. And there are a lot of things on it. Feeling a bit panicked that I haven't been panicking up to this point.

So. 

Caeden is into 'thumbs up.' When I tell him how much I have to do, he gives me a  

thumbs up, and said, "If anyone can get it all done, it's you Mom." Awwww. Just the encouragement a girl needs every now and again.

Wayne is finishing up his second week of chemo. Feeling tired and not eating a lot, but enough to keep going. He looks really good - he can rock the bald head thing pretty well.

Will probably take the rest of the week off to spend time with my family, so look for updates Sunday or Monday ...

And here we go.

Now Booking Rapid City & Surrounding Areas | Family Photographer | Valerie Koop

She.

Doesn't like help with anything.

So she wears shoes that I don't like (crocs) because she can get them on all by herself. 

She.

Just turned two and I can already fast forward to her teens years and tell she is going to give me a run for my money 

(mom always told me I would end up with one just like myself).

She.

Adores her brother and asks for him first thing in the morning.

She.

Loves to go for walks outside.

She.

Is at an age I never, ever want to forget.

Now booking for Rapid City and Surrounding Areas.

Available Dates: July 3rd-9th.

Package Includes:

90 Minute Shoot
Laughter, Surprises, and Portraits to Cherish
All Images on CD with copyright release

$400.

The Weekend

Planting flowers today.

Assisted with a photo shoot in the dark last night - didn't shoot, but held reflector. Watched other photographer work, which was cool, but wow - I wanted to be shooting!  Reassured super cute couple that they were killing it. Think black cocktail dress, dead of night, and a couple totally in love underneath an old fashioned street light. Yeah, it was great.

Caeden rocked the swimming pool yesterday. Claire wouldn't get in but instead strutted around the pool like she was really something. So funny. So cute.

Wayne had a hard day yesterday. The past couple of days he hasn't been eating and he has that chemo look to him. Just sucks. But today he is talking to Caeden about all things lawn related, so I have hope he is feeling a bit better. I never really know for sure, because he will never say if he is really feeling bad. Instead, he is quiet and just sleeps...

Computer is all fixed. Oh, how I have missed it. Today I am reloading software, trying to remember how, exactly, I had my photoshop workspace set up, etc.

Listening to a lot of Lifehouse these days. In the car, at the gym, in the house. The entire album is fantastic.

Picture is from Claire's birthday. We went to the park; I was armed with cupcakes. By the time I had a white balance reading, both the kids had devoured one a piece, and were working on number two. Didn't really go well. Melt downs by them. And then by me. Oh well, I got this shot...


      

1. Favorite Color: Pink

2. Favorite Activity: To be read to. Followed by going for walks.

3. Can count to 10 with very little help.

4. Knows her colors.

5. Starting to write her name (how this is possible is beyond me - but we just practice!)

6. Loves to dress herself, play in my makeup, and will do anything for more shoes.

7. Favorite food: Guacamole & Chips

8. Number of cupcakes ate yesterday: 3

9. Clapped when we were done singing Happy Birthday to her

10. Served her candled cupcake on a special birthday plate that I use for both kids for every birthday.

11. Will be wearing the adorable dress Linz and J got her. So, so cute.

12. Princess and the Pea dolly, mattresses, and white wooden bed. 

13. Still loves to sing "You are my Sunshine."

14. Is much more opinionated than her brother. And has a much bigger temper.

15. Still only has 6 teeth.

16. Never want to forget she only turns {two} once.

And Then She Was { Two }.

This morning I woke up listening to Claire on the monitor.

"Woof! Woof!"

"Moooooommmmmy."

"Me hungry!"

"Hunnnngry!"

"Hey! Hey!"

"Hi puppy! Woof!"

"Mommy? Where are yoooou?"

I just listened to her talk for a couple of minutes, thinking about her. And how she is now two.

I went and picked her up out of her crib, 

and was greeted with a hug and "Hi Mommy!"

She wanted to get dressed and go outside.

Except she didn't want help getting dressed. 

And she can open the door (what?!) just fine by herself, thank you.

And we went for a walk.

Her half naked.

Me in pajamas (not kidding).

Because it is warm outside and I tend to be very casual. 

And because she wanted to.

Two years have passed in the blink of an eye.

From a 5 pound baby bird to a chunky monkey.

From nursing what felt like 24 hours a day to eating a pink frosted cookie for breakfast.

From being outnumbered with 2 guys in the house to having a girl to even the playing field.

Pink. 

Two years of sweet baby Claire.

So today she will unwrap her presents, eat cupcakes, and drag balloons around the house.

She will be adored, celebrated, and cherished. No different than any other day except for all the sugar and balloons...

Love to my sweet girl.

{She's Two}.

The Other Side.

Last night I hung out with my friend Tommy. He's my only photographer friend and he doesn't care when I start talking about cameras, Photoshop, and lens'. We swap gear. Talk shop. Share location secrets and bounce ideas off of each other.

So last night he wanted to try out my 50 1.2. So we went to Daniel's Park (my first time there) and shot for a long time. So much fun!

He kept trying to take pictures of me, but hello, I do not like to be in front of the camera. At all. And it was SUCH a good lesson for me.  Because I know my clients feel the same way. And anything I can do to make them relax is a good thing. And something I need to remember!

No, I am not pregnant. Thought this shirt was so cute and had to have it. Yes, mistake, indeed.
But. Love the composition on this. Tommy has a shoot at this location on Saturday and he needs to get one like this of the couple. Love the yellow.

If I wasn't scared that my kids would fall of the cliff, I would be shooting them here. Loved the location.

I don't love that I am not smiling, have my glasses on, or look 7 months pregnant. But I love the post processing a lot. Soft and vintage. Very cool.

So, while he was doing his thing, I shot with his 135 prime. It's on my wish list for sure.

And I have tons of pictures to share of what I shot, but my computer is completely whacked. I still haven't reloaded it. Will share as soon as I can!

Anyway.

Being on the other side was a great lesson. I wish I would have relaxed and had more fun with it instead of being irritated! LOL! And, never will I wear that shirt again.

*Tomorrow is C-Bears' birthday. I will get pictures of her (tons, actually) and also of Wayne and the kids. He is hanging in there. Tired. Shaving head today because hair is really falling out. :(

Vision.

This is a first sketch storyboard. Start one with each and every client I book. I use their personalities and the look they want to achieve as my inspiration and I just start doodling from there.

Sometimes I use words. Sometimes I draw (and usually so poorly that only I can understand the vision), or sometimes I just watercolor colors on a background for a particular location I find.

So, this is how it all starts.

Once I create the storyboard, I place the shots in an order that makes sense once the session starts. Usually I try and get the entire family first, while the kids are fresh, and then subtract from there.

The problem with all of this, is I am like this for my own family, too. I don't just follow the kids around and shoot as much as I used to. I don't know if it's because I am picky with lighting, or the composition, or that they have dirty faces? All I know, is I want to be better about capturing everyday, and let the perfectionist side go. I'll save that for my clients...

And give the best to my kids.

Which means me being playful (and not preoccupied by the million things on my mind), engaging, and fun. The best pictures I have of the kids (especially Caeden) are when I was more of a Mom and LESS of a photographer.

Caeden ... 7 months old. No idea what I was doing with a camera at this point. But a 'snapshot' perfect because of that face. Oh my. That face.

And this one where Caeden stopped looking at the camera. Over it. Still is. But I love his chubby arms and how he is carrying that red truck (his favorite toy for over a year at one point).

And sadly, I have hardly any of Claire (well I do, but not nearly like I do of Caeden) because she was 7 months old when Wayne was diagnosed with cancer. Nothing like that to put a damper on my urge to shoot with my camera.

But a friend gently reminded me that I need to keep at it. Keep going with it because someday the effort I make will pay dividends, and that, I agree with. Thanks T.

So today. Camera out of bag. Leaving iPhone at home (use it too much for pictures that usually disappoint me!) and taking pictures of whatever unfolds today.

And, that. That is a vision.

Round Two.

Wayne started chemo again this morning.

His hair is starting to fall out.

He isn't tired today. So, he's off to spend the evening with his buddies. Perfect for him.

Wanted to take pictures of him with the kids this weekend but the wind never stopped blowing.

Caeden's swimming teacher is adorable. Her name is Jamie and she teaches Caeden more in half an hour than I ever could all day long. Her Mom had cancer, and since Caeden talks to her about it a lot, she knows what is happening at home. But she understands. And is extra sweet with Caeden. 

It makes our Monday afternoon so fun.

The swimming pool is filled (outside) and the chairs are all out. The pool color is that soft green - like the ocean, and not like a pool. Cannot wait for days of sunblock, splashing, and being outside.

Speaking of summer ...Here's a horrible picture, taken with my point and shoot, and completely unedited (obviously). But this is sunset at Turks and Caicos. We were sitting at an infinity bar that appeared to jet off into the ocean ... I remember there was no wind, and the sound of the ocean - the dull roar and lull of it - relaxed me much better than any moijito. And the sunset.

Sigh.

The sunset.

 Perfect "happy place" when chemo starts up again.

Two weeks to go until scans in Houston ...