Treading Water

I have been trying to get my new blog finished up but I am, apparently, highly inefficient and still not done with it. 

I want to post session pictures on the new blog so for now, you must settle for more personal, family stuff here, okay?

I look at this girl, with her disheveled hair that she won't let me fix, her eyes that tell me she is up on to something, and that look that tells me she knows better ... and a quote I just came across in Real Simple magazine struck a cord ...

"My Mother had a good deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

Mark Twain, Chapters From My Autobiography 

So.

Today I am treading water. Cleaning. Laundry. Thinking about cooking.

But my children have other ideas. Like eating. Wanting to play. Have attention be bestowed upon them. The nerve, right?

Wayne is hanging in there. It is very difficult for him to walk and to get around (the stairs are impossible) but he did manage to get some fresh air today and meet Randy for lunch.

He is working a ton. Most of the day. And night. It's nice to see. Gives me peace of mind that his "chemo fog" has lifted from his brain.

He needs lots of rest. And I do what I can to make sure he is comfortable (and has water, which is his favorite thing) but it pains me to look at him. So, so thin. I hope this break allows for some weight gain. I don't think I have seen him this thin - not even in High School.

And when people, who only have the best intentions, ask me how he is, or how I am ...

I just want to cry.

How do you THINK it is going?!

And I am very aware this attitude of mine needs adjusting. I am aware that I get mad.

I am aware and am not lost in lala land, okay? 

So if I offend you or do not respond at all, please know it is not you. It's me.

Sometimes I just need some space. And sometimes all I want to do is vent here.

So I do.

And then get sensitive about it.

Nice and complicated, I know. Might make you want to stay away?

Everyday we wake up in the same loop. Same cancer. Same news. Same Wayne who can't do much but lay down. Same Val that tries to keep it together but is so tired and whiny that she can't even stand to listen to herself.

Same Caeden ... that repeats two things:

1. Any physical complaint Wayne has, Caeden has. If Wayne says, "My leg hurts," Caeden will say the same thing all day.

Yesterday we were at Costco and he told me he couldn't walk because of a blood clot.

I stopped dead in my tracks, turned around in the parking lot to look at him, and said,

"You do not have cancer. Stop it."

He could tell I was just about to either cry or freak out, 

so he just nodded and started to walk.

2. (The other thing he repeats is "shit," which I stopped saying, thank you very much.)

Think we all are doing our best to tread water and ...

I need to remember I am not the only one I need to save from drowning. 

So if you want to know how it is going ... there you go.