I ignored each and every text, email, and phone call. I didn't know what to say ... or how to say it.
I walked around in a daze all morning. Waiting to hear from Wayne. Hoping the brutal chemo protocol worked. That it was worth the hospitalizations. The massive blood clot. The surgery. The crazy weight loss. The worry, the stress, the complete chaos of it all...
... Of Wayne feeling sick and tired and horrible every single day.
The scans showed tumor growth in some areas. There has been no reduction. This protocol did not work but may have decreased the amount the tumors could have grown, but we don't know. He is done with it, though.
His Oncologist, Dr. Patel, is putting Wayne back on break for two months. His body needs it; his spirit needs it just as badly.
And, after two months have passed, Wayne will be rescanned to see what has happened while on break. Most likely, the chemo break will last though the holidays as there is no sense going into the holidays on some sort of experimental cocktail (not knowing how he will react or be able to function) if he is doing well enough to just enjoy feeling okay. To enjoy the kids.
This was the news today.
I suck. I cried when I got his text message with the results.
I cried when I finally talked to him on the phone.
I cried after the call, too -- sliding to the floor in my kitchen, sobbing because I couldn't hold it in. I lost it in front of the kids. And poor Caeden, completely freaked out, kept rubbing my back asking me to stop crying. I told him I hurt my foot so that he would understand why I was on the floor. So he grabbed band aids and started putting them all over my leg. "Please stop crying, Mommy...."
I stared at the wall most of the day. Relieved when I could take Caeden to school so I could come home and busy myself with sitting and doing nothing.
Oh, and I went and got groceries, only to come home and forget I had gotten them. Walked right into the house, putting Claire down for a nap, and just sort of zoned out ...
It was in the mid-80's today and let me tell you, the milk, yogurt, frozen food, etc. did not make it after sitting in the back of my SUV all day. I never did go get more.
I know he reads the blog and I hesitate to tell it all like this, because he is so strong and positive, and to tell you that I fell apart makes me weak and stupid and such a victim, which I loathe. I know I need to rise to the occasion (like I did last year) but I ... just don't want to. Or can't. Or am fine being just "good enough." Not sure how to undo this. Do I have the energy? The drive? How much of this do we have to take? To live through? Day after day after day after day? I am tired, to be honest.
Where is the good news?!
Looking forward, Wayne will start getting stronger as the chemo wears off. He will start eating better, and hopefully, be able to walk better (clot has stopped him in his tracks).
I would like to plan a family vacation to California. To see Nikki and John. To take the kids to Disneyland, build sand castles on the beach, and maybe ... get our pictures taken by Tara Whitney...?
Or maybe just go to KC and take in a football game. Tailgate. Laugh with old friends. See new babies that have been born since we left...
Or stay close to home but do things we haven't ... Estes Park, Beaver Creek, etc. Take lots of pictures in the mountains ...
Or.
I don't know. Whatever he can do.
So there it is.
Don't take it personal when I don't respond to you. Just please know we appreciate your love and support and DO feel blessed to have you all in our lives. Please just overlook the mild breakdown. I am sure I will feel better when I can see his face and talk to him in person.
Just trying to figure out how to pull it all together. I have 2 hours before he gets home. I better try harder.
In my place - a cake. Mixed, poured and decorated by Caeden Koop (frosting was a compromise between Caeden and Claire. Caeden = pink. Claire = chocolate ... ha).
Something that says welcome home ...
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