Overnight the roses in my backyard bloomed gorgeous, hot pink flowers.
Overnight my little girl decided she was big enough to climb out of her crib and walk downstairs.
"Good Morning, Mommy," she said.
Overnight I went from running 5 miles at a 9:40 pace ...
to running 3 miles at a 7:20 pace and the other two at an 8:20 pace.
Wayne is not doing well. The side effects of his chemo leave him very weak,
sick, and tired. He doesn't like to talk.
Not sure how much he even hears me say when I try talking to him.
I wish this would all go away overnight.
Most of the time, I feel like I can handle everything.
But, not so overnight, I feel like I am slowly losing a grip on most everything.
Cancer, I think, does this to a family. Things are fine one day.
Then, overnight they are not. Even if nothing has changed.
I haven't really shared the rawness I am feeling lately; I hope it doesn't freak you all out.
The other night I was watching Caeden sleep. He was in a really deep sleep ... and he had beads of sweat on his face and neck. His mouth was open a little bit, and he was clutching his favorite blanket tightly. I watched him sleep for a long time. Just taking him in.
Being so happy to sit and watch him. So peaceful.
So, I count my blessings and I pray a lot. I ask for wisdom and strength, mostly.
I also give thanks. Because no matter what, there is so much to be grateful for.
And I need to remember that when I feel like it is all out of my reach.
Posts
Thank You for reminding me to just breath. Sometimes, that's all we can do. Love you....
ReplyDelete"Sometimes that is all we can do ..." - Your comment has me in tears. I guess it is okay not to have it together all the time, right?
ReplyDeleteJust breathing sounds like a great idea today.
Love you, Tricia.
my very beautiful friend - you are in my thoughts & prayers every single day! ~Janene xoxo
ReplyDeleteLove your writer's voice today! Beautifully articulated with the overnight imagery.
ReplyDelete"Life is not for the faint of heart"--my Uncle Larry made that comment at Grandma's funeral. It has stayed with me. It seems like I walk through life with my heart...happy, sad, crying, devastated, whimsical...I can feel it all in my heart, every day, every moment unpredictable. Like you do.
I recall a deep literary discussion with my students and their realization one cannot identify happiness if one has not experienced sadness. Their perspective and the ensuing conversation has stayed with me. I think the irony of this is difficult to swallow...for me. So often I want to cry out, "Why?" But it just is. Pittsburghers often shrug it off with, "It is what it is." The first time I heard that I wanted to fight it; however, as I continue to hear it and reflect on it, I realize there may be some wisdom in letting go of the desire to change it or the guilt of "what-ifs"...and just setting down the extra baggage and moving forward with deeper understanding of the complexities of life...as you are
So often I wish I could just reach out and squeeze your hand because as I think of you often...it is just that wordless emotion...I don't have anything to say...just want to gently squeeze your hand and let you know I am here.
Like the memory of feeling a grandmother gently holding a grandchild's hand as she teeters and totters forward.
Janene - I think of you so much. I know you know exactly what I am talking about.
ReplyDeleteLori - "...realization one cannot identify happiness if one has not experienced sadness ..."
The irony IS difficult to swallow. And I know you are right, and that quote, "Life is not for the faint of heart," I need to carry that with me. It is such a reminder that no one gets through life easily. I wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself these days. We all have struggles.
Love you.
I love you! I so wish I could take this from you, even for just one day. And for the record, I don't think any of us ever think you feel sorry for yourself. You are without a doubt one of the strongest women I will ever know, but it's also good to let us lift you up when you nned some help. I'm glad that you can share your struggles with us.
ReplyDeleteI love you sis! I wish I knew the right words to say to you. To Wayne. I wish I knew the right moments to listen and the right moments to just be there. I love you so much!
ReplyDeleteWe are sending more prayers, hugs, and love to you , Wayne, and the kids. Wish we could do more....we love you guys.
ReplyDeletePam
This post is hands down one of the most amazing, fantastic, sad, breathtaking things I have ever read. It incorporates so many facets, and I felt that for a moment, I was actually standing in your home, standing in your life, really seeing how simultaneously complicated and simple it all is.
ReplyDeleteI found Lori's comments to be a wonderful addition to the post because it is true (although difficult to see on days like this) that you and Wayne, and your beautiful children know happiness on deeper levels than most on the planet because you endure sadness and fear deeper than most of us will ever know. You know the value of those moments of bliss and love. And, you deeply value each other as you endure constant reminders of how fragile life can be.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Love you.