In the Silence

Yesterday, after dropping Caeden off at school, I raced to Skyridge Hospital to sit with Wayne for his chemo treatment.

They didn't know I was his wife, as it was the first time I have been to the Infusion Center since last year when Wayne got really, really bad (and the staff has changed). How sad is that?

I will never forget that day. I had a total stranger hold Claire (who was less than a year old - children are not allowed inside) for over an hour in the waiting room while I ranted and cried and freaked out inside the Infusion Room on Wayne's behalf.

His chemo was especially brutal and caused him to lose gross motor control. He could not talk. He had no idea what has happening.

And neither did the nursing staff.

No one in Denver had seen a chemo protocol like his before. They didn't know what it was going to do, or what they should do about it. So, they did nothing. And everyone in the center watched as I cried for my husband, and listened as I started to talk LOUDER about why was this happening? Isn't somebody going to do something?!

The day ended with Wayne being admitted into the hospital, where he stayed for 3 days until they could bring him back from the brink. Sometimes, when he is in a good mood and feels like talking, he will tell you about the things he hallucinated about and the conspiracy that he thought was happening all around him. On a very good day, we even joke about it.

I thought about all of that yesterday - while I sat with him in the quiet. He was only one of two patients receiving chemo yesterday morning. We didn't talk much - both of us on email most of the time - because what do you really say? When you see the father of your children hooked up to chemo - what do you say?

So usually Wayne's Dad is the one to hang out with him for chemo. To go to Houston. He is the strong one. Actually, they are stronger together.

And while it's hard not to think about what has happened while sitting there ... There is no where else I would want to be.

Even if we were both just checking email.