To say I have a hard time surrendering control is an understatement. I thrive on list making, task prioritizing, schedules, and everything clean, orderly and in it's place. I need a plan every day. It's just the way I am.
When I have babies, I need to remember that MY schedule (sleeping at night), MY needs (a shower, clean teeth, some computer time while wearing a size 6 in clothing), MY wants (the gym, perfectly cooked healthy dinner, family time that does not include time-outs, melt downs, shaking sand out of bodily orifices) really doesn't matter.
I drive myself crazy second guessing why my life is chaos right now. I can't make plans because I have no idea what kind of day (or night) awaits me, making dinner is overwhelming (I cook once a week. Or, cook more often but don't want it once it is made), the house gets cleaned one-room-at-a-time/per day, folded laundry sits on the kitchen table ... awaiting the day I will finally get to putting it away. I haven't had a face-to-face conversation with a friend since we went to SD. I need a haircut/color so badly, but have no idea when to schedule it because just getting out of the house is a major miracle.
Claire sleeps in a swing or in my arms only. Caeden has
quit taking naps but falls apart once 4 pm hits. I didn't get out of my pajama pants today but you better believe the kids looked like a million bucks. Nothing makes sense.
And then I talked to a friend who really helped me out. She reminded me that Claire is still itty bitty. It is OK to be in survival mode for at least another 3 months. It is OK that 'take out' is the only thing your son is eating (Well, mostly. He also eats Cheez-its. I make my guilt disappear by feeding him Juice Plus vitamins). It is OK that the house isn't picture perfect (although it is clean, I swear).
It is all going to be OK. Can I just tell you that her saying that really, really, really helped me out of my tail spin?
And then I found this:
Thomas Moore : To live ordinary life artfully is to have this sensibility about the things in daily life, to live more intuitively and to be willing to surrender a measure of our rationality and control in return for gifts of the soul.In return for gifts of the soul. I have two beautiful children that fill me with so much happiness that there are not words for it. I have a husband
who gets me - and is in the trenches with me. As long as I have them, I am willing to surrender a measure of rationality and control (in fact, I don't have any, so it is quite easy). They are all I need. And I need to think about that before I work myself up about all the things I didn't get to - about what is undone. I have them. And that overwhelming sense of love I feel for my family exists whether my to-do list is done or not.
Deep Breath. I just had another baby. She is my gift. And everything is going to be OK.
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