Today Was A Fairytale ...

To be so in love with someone that it radiates as far as the eye can see.

And as far as the heart can reach.

To be so in love that sparkling eyes and smiles and tears of happiness are side effects. 

To be so in love.

To be so sure.

To be complete and whole and new all at once.

To share this with Lindsay & Jordan made me cry most of the day and night. I am sentimental, you know.

Lindsay was all grace and beauty.

And sure. And ready.

Jordan was overwhelmed with emotion when he saw her walk down the aisle. 

Jordan.

Confident. In love. Ready. 

And when they exited the alter, a choir sang, "Best of my Love"

and we all sang along.

And so did our family. Our new, even bigger & better family.

And together we all danced the night away.

Laughed it away.

Sang it away.

But we will never wish it away because

Today (8/28/2010) was a Fairytale.

{ Can't wait for them to come back so I can show them all their pictures ... }

(so I can show you, too!)

Just the Future.

Just Today.

I suspect Wayne's lack of movement and walking has more to do with his love of being waited on hand and foot (that would be by me) than any sort of complication with surgery.

Well, maybe not. But I know he still loves it.

Here's another one who loves it.

"MOM! Mooooooom. Mom!"

But she has everyone fooled with those blue eyes of hers, doesn't she? 

Works on me every time.

In all seriousness ...

Wayne spiked a fever last night and had us both worried. Fed him some Leviquin and this morning he was better. He isn't walking more than a couple of steps.

He isn't eating much and is getting thinner by the day.

I am eating almonds by the handful and gulping diet pepsi by the case.

More tomorrow ... lots going on. Lots to tell you. To show you.

XOXO.

 

Little Man Ice Cream | Denver Colorado Photographer | Children's Colorado Photographer |

I wanted to save these for my new blog (the image quality is SO much better) but it's taking me much longer than I had hoped to get it up and running. So, here you go.  

Little Man Ice Cream is a Denver institution. Always the best, seasonal flavors. Always a line. Always sit outside. Always takes the edge off a bad day when you can be silly and sweet and sticky with your kids. 

Update on Wayne

Wayne is home! Feeling worse than before he went in, but surgery has a way of doing that to a person...

His Radiologist was able to remove most of the clot using a very cool procedure. Basically, he isolated the chemical that dissolves the clot by ballooning both ends - and then sectioning off his clot in three parts to suction it out.

He ran into some resistance the closer he got to Wayne's pelvic region. It appears Wayne's tumor is pressing on the vein, causing it to close (and then clot). So, he inserted a stint to help the veins' wall stay open. Blood flow opened up immediately.

We will know by tomorrow night how much this is going to help Wayne. He is not walking much (but tries) and is in some pain.

We are glad he is home and is able to rest here instead of in ICU. Huge difference.

I mean, the hospital doesn't have Bunny. SHE has magical healing powers ...

Treading Water

I have been trying to get my new blog finished up but I am, apparently, highly inefficient and still not done with it. 

I want to post session pictures on the new blog so for now, you must settle for more personal, family stuff here, okay?

I look at this girl, with her disheveled hair that she won't let me fix, her eyes that tell me she is up on to something, and that look that tells me she knows better ... and a quote I just came across in Real Simple magazine struck a cord ...

"My Mother had a good deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

Mark Twain, Chapters From My Autobiography 

So.

Today I am treading water. Cleaning. Laundry. Thinking about cooking.

But my children have other ideas. Like eating. Wanting to play. Have attention be bestowed upon them. The nerve, right?

Wayne is hanging in there. It is very difficult for him to walk and to get around (the stairs are impossible) but he did manage to get some fresh air today and meet Randy for lunch.

He is working a ton. Most of the day. And night. It's nice to see. Gives me peace of mind that his "chemo fog" has lifted from his brain.

He needs lots of rest. And I do what I can to make sure he is comfortable (and has water, which is his favorite thing) but it pains me to look at him. So, so thin. I hope this break allows for some weight gain. I don't think I have seen him this thin - not even in High School.

And when people, who only have the best intentions, ask me how he is, or how I am ...

I just want to cry.

How do you THINK it is going?!

And I am very aware this attitude of mine needs adjusting. I am aware that I get mad.

I am aware and am not lost in lala land, okay? 

So if I offend you or do not respond at all, please know it is not you. It's me.

Sometimes I just need some space. And sometimes all I want to do is vent here.

So I do.

And then get sensitive about it.

Nice and complicated, I know. Might make you want to stay away?

Everyday we wake up in the same loop. Same cancer. Same news. Same Wayne who can't do much but lay down. Same Val that tries to keep it together but is so tired and whiny that she can't even stand to listen to herself.

Same Caeden ... that repeats two things:

1. Any physical complaint Wayne has, Caeden has. If Wayne says, "My leg hurts," Caeden will say the same thing all day.

Yesterday we were at Costco and he told me he couldn't walk because of a blood clot.

I stopped dead in my tracks, turned around in the parking lot to look at him, and said,

"You do not have cancer. Stop it."

He could tell I was just about to either cry or freak out, 

so he just nodded and started to walk.

2. (The other thing he repeats is "shit," which I stopped saying, thank you very much.)

Think we all are doing our best to tread water and ...

I need to remember I am not the only one I need to save from drowning. 

So if you want to know how it is going ... there you go.

The Why is Simple.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.  ... Nietzsche

At First Sight ... | Denver Family Photographer | Denver Children's Photographer | Candid Beautiful Fresh Photography | Parker Colorado Photographer

Last night, you could have found me here... Engaged with a sweet baby girl who loves everything girlie. Sparkly bracelets, cupcakes ... and mostly 

... just as it should be ... her Mommy and Daddy.

I must have told them a thousand times what a pleasure it was to photograph such pretty subjects. They rocked the camera and I have a ton of images to prove it...and the sneak peek is ... well, just a peek.

This gorgeous family traveled from Wyoming to have me shoot their session and I am always so blown away when that happens. Feel so privileged and lucky.

So.

As we were shooting and getting to know each other, I asked how they met. 

Her: At a BBQ. He fell in love with me immediately. Love at first site.

Him: It totally was.

Oh my gosh. All that playfulness and love translated into the camera like nobody's business. 

 And their little girl? Could not be any more sweet.

Literally. ;)

Thank you, you beautiful, stylish, rockin family ...

For letting me capture your family. As you are. Right now.

At first sight.

For The Weekend.

Saturday mornings at our house mean going to the grocery store in p.j.'s (well, the kids at least ...) for donuts. (Or Snooze for breakfast when we are up early enough to beat the crowd.)

It means lots of coffee and a lazy morning of "what should we do today?" talk.

For us, tomorrow means the swimming pool. Grilling (spicy steak sandwiches with homemade BBQ sauce and corn on the cob)... Linz's bachelorette party tomorrow night...(and me constantly on B&H's website looking at the 85L lens ... ha)

Sunday is Church. Farmer's Market. A nap. And then a photo shoot with a sweet family traveling all the way from Wyoming. So excited.

Wayne is in bed most of the time - or sitting in a chair with his leg elevated. The clot makes it nearly impossible for him to get around. If it isn't better by next week, it sounds like he will go to the hospital to have the clot broken up and his leg drained. Should help so much.

So. That's where we're at.

XO.

Val

AND. I am back.

Let's move on from the complete and utter "tell it all" post of yesterday. Vulnerable. Raw. And moving on. 

Wayne is home. Working. Leg elevated. 

I am busy drinking coffee, reading books to Claire, and reminding Caeden to not yell in the house. I suspect Caeden is deaf. Ha. How did I end up with two LOUD kids when I am so noise adverse? Is that just the way it happens?

I like the idea of decorating the entry way (from our garage) with the kids' artwork. 

Photo from Odeedoh.

And a little wagon filled with books. Oh my gosh. So am doing this as my bookcase is a complete disaster and needs a little cuteness. Idea and Photo Credit Here.

And this picture. Sigh. It speaks to me. Love the composition. The lighting. The kiss. The way he is grabbing her face. I hope you all have someone to do this with ...

Photo via Style Me Pretty.

A couple of books for Caeden. A surprise that will come in the mail with his name on it. Something we can do for quality time. Reading is so important at our house.

Found at Amazon, of course.

Into the weekend we go ...

Mesenchymal Condrosarcoma | Wayne Koop | MD Anderson

There are a lot of people who have been waiting for news about Wayne today.

I ignored each and every text, email, and phone call. I didn't know what to say ... or how to say it.

I walked around in a daze all morning. Waiting to hear from Wayne. Hoping the brutal chemo protocol worked. That it was worth the hospitalizations. The massive blood clot. The surgery. The crazy weight loss. The worry, the stress, the complete chaos of it all...

... Of Wayne feeling sick and tired and horrible every single day.

The scans showed tumor growth in some areas. There has been no reduction. This protocol did not work but may have decreased the amount the tumors could have grown, but we don't know. He is done with it, though.

His Oncologist, Dr. Patel, is putting Wayne back on break for two months. His body needs it; his spirit needs it just as badly.

And, after two months have passed, Wayne will be rescanned to see what has happened while on break. Most likely, the chemo break will last though the holidays as there is no sense going into the holidays on some sort of experimental cocktail (not knowing how he will react or be able to function) if he is doing well enough to just enjoy feeling okay. To enjoy the kids.

This was the news today.

I suck. I cried when I got his text message with the results.

I cried when I finally talked to him on the phone.

I cried after the call, too -- sliding to the floor in my kitchen, sobbing because I couldn't hold it in. I lost it in front of the kids. And poor Caeden, completely freaked out, kept rubbing my back asking me to stop crying. I told him I hurt my foot so that he would understand why I was on the floor. So he grabbed band aids and started putting them all over my leg. "Please stop crying, Mommy...."

I stared at the wall most of the day. Relieved when I could take Caeden to school so I could come home and busy myself with sitting and doing nothing.

Oh, and I went and got groceries, only to come home and forget I had gotten them. Walked right into the house, putting Claire down for a nap, and just sort of zoned out ...

It was in the mid-80's today and let me tell you, the milk, yogurt, frozen food, etc. did not make it after sitting in the back of my SUV all day. I never did go get more.

I know he reads the blog and I hesitate to tell it all like this, because he is so strong and positive, and to tell you that I fell apart makes me weak and stupid and such a victim, which I loathe.  I know I need to rise to the occasion (like I did last year) but I ... just don't want to. Or can't. Or am fine being just "good enough." Not sure how to undo this. Do I have the energy? The drive? How much of this do we have to take? To live through? Day after day after day after day? I am tired, to be honest.

Where is the good news?!

Looking forward, Wayne will start getting stronger as the chemo wears off. He will start eating better, and hopefully, be able to walk better (clot has stopped him in his tracks).

I would like to plan a family vacation to California. To see Nikki and John. To take the kids to Disneyland, build sand castles on the beach, and maybe ... get our pictures taken by Tara Whitney...?

Or maybe just go to KC and take in a football game. Tailgate. Laugh with old friends. See new babies that have been born since we left...

Or stay close to home but do things we haven't ... Estes Park, Beaver Creek, etc. Take lots of pictures in the mountains ...

Or.

I don't know. Whatever he can do.

So there it is.

Don't take it personal when I don't respond to you. Just please know we appreciate your love and support and DO feel blessed to have you all in our lives. Please just overlook the mild breakdown. I am sure I will feel better when I can see his face and talk to him in person.


Just trying to figure out how to pull it all together. I have 2 hours before he gets home. I better try harder.

In my place - a cake.  Mixed, poured and decorated by Caeden Koop (frosting was a compromise between Caeden and Claire. Caeden = pink. Claire = chocolate ... ha).

Something that says welcome home ...

When Someone Really Knows You ...

They send you emails like this:

Tiny Seed.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Claire who loved her bunny. 

Who loved books.

And this one, The Tiny Seed, is one of her favorites.

If Claire couldn't take a book everywhere she went, she would be one unhappy girl. Who would yell a lot (trust me on this). And loud. The girl can yell loud.

So the story goes ...

A field. A book. A brother. A bunny. 

And a Mommy who loves them all very much.

Especially when they do things like this without being asked. Oh how their Mommy adores them.

Claire loves to read out loud. She reads to the bunny. She reads to her Mommy. To herself.

Here, Claire read the words ... "Flower. Is that a man? Is that a girl?"

And her brother was busy looking for bugs and playing airplane in the field. Not caring about the bunny or the book or his sister and her adorable take on the story. Bugs ...

So Claire, wanting to find bugs as well,  finished her story, licked her bunny, and stood up.

And started to yell.

ALL DONE MOMMY. ALLLLLLLL DONE.

The End ...

To Sing.

I was hired to shoot this beautiful family because they are going to be gracing the cover of a business magazine. 

I did what I needed to do - getting shots that the editor wanted (certain vertical shots, plenty of white space, etc.) 

and then I did what I wanted to do ...

Like loving on this little guy. Playing games, getting him to trust me and come closer ... and give me drool-worthy expressions that capture everything about being two.  

Like teething.

And learning all about what it means to have a collection. A passion. A love of legos. This particular figure is his favorite. He tucked it into his pocket before we left the house because I told him I wanted to hear all about it. And he told me. 

And I adore him for it.

And while these shots make my heart sing, I know they are not going to make the magazine cover (not vertical, for starters). I don't care. 

(The ones that will are saved for the editor.)

Sometimes you have to create happiness in situations that could go either way. 

I choose to sing.

And.

I think they do, too.