Round Two.

Wayne started chemo again this morning.

His hair is starting to fall out.

He isn't tired today. So, he's off to spend the evening with his buddies. Perfect for him.

Wanted to take pictures of him with the kids this weekend but the wind never stopped blowing.

Caeden's swimming teacher is adorable. Her name is Jamie and she teaches Caeden more in half an hour than I ever could all day long. Her Mom had cancer, and since Caeden talks to her about it a lot, she knows what is happening at home. But she understands. And is extra sweet with Caeden. 

It makes our Monday afternoon so fun.

The swimming pool is filled (outside) and the chairs are all out. The pool color is that soft green - like the ocean, and not like a pool. Cannot wait for days of sunblock, splashing, and being outside.

Speaking of summer ...Here's a horrible picture, taken with my point and shoot, and completely unedited (obviously). But this is sunset at Turks and Caicos. We were sitting at an infinity bar that appeared to jet off into the ocean ... I remember there was no wind, and the sound of the ocean - the dull roar and lull of it - relaxed me much better than any moijito. And the sunset.

Sigh.

The sunset.

 Perfect "happy place" when chemo starts up again.

Two weeks to go until scans in Houston ...

Hopeless Romantic.

Caeden comes up to me tonight and whispers in my ear, "I love you, Mommy."

And upon seeing that Claire has woken up from her nap, he says, "There's my sweetie!"

And while Wayne is bottling wine tonight, Caeden pats him on the back and says, "I sure do love spending time with you, Dad." (Wayne let Caeden mow the yard today, AND took him out for donuts, so clearly, he is the favorite parent.)

Just lots of love coming out of that little boy today.

And then, tonight, looking at my favorite blog,  Karen Russell, I read about the wedding vows her husband wrote for her.

My favorites (there are a lot!) ...

You’re the woman I thought didn’t exist.

I knew from the day we met that we had something special…
and, I was right.

You’ve taught me what it means to Adore and be Adored.

I want to enjoy every minute of my life with you by my side.
 

And tonight, I sit here working on a storyboard for Andrea and Jake's wedding that I will be shooting (only as a second shooter to build my wedding portfolio),

and listening to girlie, romantic music.

Sigh.

A hopeless romantic. 

Can't help it.

Don't want to help it. 

The top photo is of Andrea and Jake taken in December...

and what I hope to capture for them on June 19th ... 

photo credit: Style Me Pretty

It's Here.

Summer is officially here. 

Caeden is done with school (bye #230). 

It's going to be 80 degrees today.

Flowers and garden will all be planted by this weekend.

I eat tomatoes for lunch and call it a meal.

Windows are open.

Music is on (of course!).

Sundresses and flip flops.

Claire turns 2 next week.

Pool will be open soon.

Photo Sessions are being booked, planned, and shot.

Summer is here.

 

Eagles.

Sang and danced my heart out.

The Eagles. So good.

Couldn't have gone if it wasn't for Melissa. Owe you (and Chris) big time. Thank you!!!

A Date.

Caeden wandered into my bathroom as I was getting ready this morning.

He told me that I looked pretty and smelled good.

And would I take him on a date today?

Totally melted. I was his all day.

We did whatever he wanted.

Played trucks.

Went to Chick fil A for lunch and played in the play area.

Made a strawberry cake. 

He must have told me a hundred times how he was so glad today was our special day.

I never want to forget that he felt that way because it was all so ordinary.

But I think he felt special because I truly tried to give him my undivided attention 

(which, to be honest, doesn't happen as much as it should).

Especially after he melted down in line at Chiptole tonight ... 

"I WILL NOT EAT CHICKEN FIRST. I WANT CAAAAAAKE!!!"

Yes, holding onto the sweet moments instead. :)

And the C Bear chilling outside.

I really need to get my camera out and take some real pictures. Completely tired of the iPhone thing.

XO

Val

Pile It On.

1. SUV headlight burnt out the other night.
2. Started to make this crazy chugging/hesitation motion.
3. Went to auto store. Never doing THAT again. Why didn't someone tell me you must be male to enter??
4. Realized my vehicle is still in warranty and don't have to worry about the scary auto store anymore.

Then.

1. Trying to announce my Photography Session Giveaway (oh, wait for it; it is good!) but Photoshop has completely quit working on my system. Can't design the flyer to announce anything!
2. No idea what to do except reformat my drive. So that's tomorrow's chore ...

Then.

1. Remember my great run last night?
2. Blisters. On. Feet.
3. Attempted weight training the other night, too.
4. So sore I don't really want to move.
5. But worked out anyway. Just cuz I would feel like a fake after that crazy post yesterday.

Then.

1. Hosting my sister's bridal shower in 3 weeks and have so much to do around the yard.
2. Plant flowers, have cobblestone delivered, (mowing would be a good start...), and more planting.
3. What is it about the winter that destroys so much prettiness in the yard??

But.

All I really want to do is eat this:
Chicken and Grilled Pineapple Quesadilla
It's my idea of the perfect food.
Grocery store straight away in the morning...

Miles.

A certain someone used my iPod as a "phone." And lost it.

I won't name names, but the C-Bear is lucky she is so dang sweet.

I snagged a great deal at Costco yesterday (thanks T!) and am back in business.

Five miles of business, actually. Five miles of running hard to music that is rock, pop, old and new.

Five miles of a clear head. Sweat. Accomplishment.

Someone told me the other day (when remarking about working out), 

"Whatever you do, just don't stop. You need this. Don't give it up..."

So, the voice in my head (last night while running) went something like this:

Not giving up. 

(What is this song?! Fast forward.)

Not giving up.

(Who put this playlist together? It's brilliant! Repeat song.)

Not giving up.

(Need to burn this for my sister.)

Not giving up.

(I could run forever to this song.)

Not giving up.

(This song does not make the cut. Fast forward.)

Not giving up.

(The running skirt is okay but I miss my normal stuff.)

Not giving up.

(I wonder if I am breathing loudly? Can't hear anything over the music.)

Not giving up.

(When was the last time I ran for 5 miles?)

Not giving up.

(Can't wait to do it again tomorrow.)

NOT GIVING UP.

What a Weekend Can Do.

Wayne decided to take the kids to Rapid City on Friday. So they hopped on a plane and left me all alone for the weekend.

(If only you had any idea how happy I was. There really are no words.)

His plan was to go to Deadwood and to hang out with Mom and Dad, his friends, and just chill.

Instead, Caeden got a stomach virus almost immediately upon arrival.

And no one did anything.

(And for this I feel really bad.)

So, here I was in Denver. Just me. Alone.

(To all you Moms out there with small children. Can you not understand the joy a break gives?)

And before you judge me, thinking I should be missing them, I did. 

But here is what I did with the weekend to myself:

1. Whatever I wanted.

2. Like ... painted my toes, deep conditioned my hair.

3. Worked out twice a day (oh yes I did).

4. Hung out with my Mom and Sister and laughed. Wedding planned.
Laughed some more.

5. Drove everywhere with the music turned up too loud. All the time.

6. Had dinner on the back deck with friends
(Happy Birthday Allen!)and drank margaritas.

7. Did whatever I wanted. Again.

8. Went to bed too late. Slept in.

9. Chilled with friends.

10. And finally, starting to feel like myself again.

 (Thanks, Mom, for coming out to help us all week.
For knowing just what would help.)

**Wayne is the one who deserved the weekend. I wish he would have gotten one, too. But, on the upside, he's feeling great ... and on chemo break for 1 week.

In the Silence

Yesterday, after dropping Caeden off at school, I raced to Skyridge Hospital to sit with Wayne for his chemo treatment.

They didn't know I was his wife, as it was the first time I have been to the Infusion Center since last year when Wayne got really, really bad (and the staff has changed). How sad is that?

I will never forget that day. I had a total stranger hold Claire (who was less than a year old - children are not allowed inside) for over an hour in the waiting room while I ranted and cried and freaked out inside the Infusion Room on Wayne's behalf.

His chemo was especially brutal and caused him to lose gross motor control. He could not talk. He had no idea what has happening.

And neither did the nursing staff.

No one in Denver had seen a chemo protocol like his before. They didn't know what it was going to do, or what they should do about it. So, they did nothing. And everyone in the center watched as I cried for my husband, and listened as I started to talk LOUDER about why was this happening? Isn't somebody going to do something?!

The day ended with Wayne being admitted into the hospital, where he stayed for 3 days until they could bring him back from the brink. Sometimes, when he is in a good mood and feels like talking, he will tell you about the things he hallucinated about and the conspiracy that he thought was happening all around him. On a very good day, we even joke about it.

I thought about all of that yesterday - while I sat with him in the quiet. He was only one of two patients receiving chemo yesterday morning. We didn't talk much - both of us on email most of the time - because what do you really say? When you see the father of your children hooked up to chemo - what do you say?

So usually Wayne's Dad is the one to hang out with him for chemo. To go to Houston. He is the strong one. Actually, they are stronger together.

And while it's hard not to think about what has happened while sitting there ... There is no where else I would want to be.

Even if we were both just checking email.

You Got Mail.

Two pairs of jeans.

A necklace.

And now three new headbands (see them jumbled together above).

All arrived in the mail today/yesterday.

Apparently I shop (and do not sleep) when I am stressed out. 

Funny I didn't know that about myself until now.

One more day of chemo to go.

Wayne was able to go with me and Caeden to his Kindergarten orientation tonight. Caeden rocked it. Said to his teacher, 

"It is very nice to meet you," with his hand extended. 

...I have such a soft spot for a boy with manners.

(And online shopping.)

Today. Wednesday. Day8.

I promise this is the last picture of this series. :)

Wayne has 3 more days of chemo. He sleeps a lot. 

He's doing just fine.

I wish he blogged so he could tell you first hand what he's thinking and feeling. I wish I could give you more insight on his
side of things, but I can't. He just tells me he is okay.
And I wish we could all get a little more out of him,
but that's how he is...

Mom is here. 

She brought cupcakes and laughter.

Advice and perspective.

Her amazing gift of listening.

Sometimes a girl just needs her Mom.

No matter how old you are.
 

For Tuesday.

My Mom. She witnessed my nervous breakdown over the phone last week and thought she better come help me out. The truth is, things are going much smoother than we anticipated, and I feel guilty for asking her to come. 

Except, it will be nice to get some work done while she is here to help.

(So, blog post tonight because tomorrow will be busy with Mom and work stuff.)

Got on a kick with the chalkboard. Forgive me?

Caeden hates the camera, so these days it's just Claire. I love when she plays with my hair...

This is the picture I posted on Facebook, so some of you have already seen it. But it is my hands down favorite. Snuggling is my absolute favorite thing to do. Love this so much.

Someone asked me the other day what I did with all these photos. Well, besides blogging (which I print into books), I print a ton (but not as much as I should) and I also make albums. My favorite company is Dream Album. They make exquisite albums and also the very best proofing boxes that hold mounted 5x7 portraits (so you can rotate your 'works of art.')
Click here to see what I do with all these pictures I take ... and of course, I make it available to you when you book a session with me.

I am in the process of putting together my {In the Moment} giveaway, and will announce it next week.

In Wayne news, he is doing great. Tired but completely functional. Looking forward to knocking this week out and having a week break...

Waited.

I waited a really long time to be a Mom.

I traveled everywhere, got an amazing education, spent my time how I pleased.

I look back on my time before my children, and I think, perhaps I just wasn't ready. It took me longer.

And while I loved my life before them, knowing what I know now, it makes me sad.

Because life with them is the way I have truly learned what love is.

The kind of love that makes me happiest, craziest, the most content; it's all encompassing and real.

Becoming a Mother is the best thing I have ever done.

And I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to find all of that out.

But, I believe things are meant to be, and I do believe...

They were worth the wait.

The pictures I will be sharing over the next couple of days were rocked by my sister. We went to Sloan's Lake yesterday (5280 Magazine said it was up and coming ... sort of still waiting for that part). We dodged baseballs, goose droppings (an unnatural amount, really), and the guys (Jordan & Wayne) to get these shots.

They make me crazy happy!

But then again, it's my kids we're talking about.

What We Do.

While Wayne sleeps:

I take the kids to the gym. I hop on the treadmill next to a woman who ups her speed to "sprinting as fast as I can," and I try to ignore her and do my own thing. Except I keep upping my speed because I feel lazy, and by the end of my workout, I can hardly breathe and she is STILL RUNNING.

Then.

Come home and check on Wayne. Still sleeping.

Out we go again for McDonalds (which is something I swore I would NEVER let my kids eat, but until they come up with a healthy place that has a play area, what is a Mom to do on a windy, cold day?).

Run to Best Buy for Bose earphone plugs because I lost mine somewhere in between the locker room and the treadmill.

(They don't have them. Must special order.)

Come home and look at photography online because it is too cold to shoot outside and I am in withdrawals.

Sketch a storyboard for tomorrow. Tomorrow I am headed to Sloan Lake with the kids for a photo shoot. Lindsay is going to rock my camera and get some shots of me with the kids (because, looking around the house, you wouldn't even know I existed. No pictures.). 

I cannot wait.

Oh, yeah, and I also dream of THIS HAIR. I mean, come on! Who is this? And how do I make my dark hair dance like THAT?

So, that's what we do...

when he sleeps.

Today is Day 5.

via Tara.

This picture is from the amazing Tara Whitney. 

I want her to take our pictures next time we are in California.

This shot reminds me of being carefree.
Is there anything better?

Wayne is tired and cold. He is slowing down.

Today is his 5th treatment; he gets the weekend off.

And then treatment again all next week.

He is still eating.

And.

All you Mamas ... 

Happy, Happy Mother's Day.

XO

Val

Day 4. Perspective.

Wayne is getting really tired. But he is in great spirits and is powering through.

Considering his last cocktail - he was usually checked out - way checked out - or hospitalized by now.

He is still eating (and eating healthy!) and was able to drive himself to chemo. I can tell he is starting to slow down, and anticipate this will be the last of his DIY days, though.

This afternoon I am hauling Claire outside and we're going to take pictures. The flu has hit us all pretty hard this week, so some fresh air is most definitely needed ...

Since I don't have one of my own to post (but I will for you tomorrow!), here are a few shots that have inspired me lately:

Via NicholeV

This one struck me as funny considering Dave and Wayne are making all the wine for Lindsay's wedding... :)

Via Style Me Pretty (I think??)

Day 3.

Chemo starts this afternoon. Wayne is feeling a bit more tired than usual, but thanks to a hilarious text from Randy this morning, he has a smile on his face.

The wind will not stop blowing! 

Thinking about an { In the Moment } Photography giveaway! The contest will swirl around a FREE session and Digital copyright release. And, I travel. So everyone has a chance to win! Stay tuned.

A couple of fun finds at Target. Don't you just love when something actually works?!

Apply this after your moisturizer. Your foundation will look flawless. Seriously.

I've got really dry skin lately. I have a couple of spots on my hand that I actually asked my Dermatologist to stitch up because they just won't heal. Super dry skin. So anyway, I found this stuff. It smells incredible ... and makes skin feel like satin. I love it so much I have thought about buying every last bottle on the shelf in case it is ever discontinued.

Both found at Target. Which is where you can usually find me, too. ;)

Listening to Taylor Swift/John Mayer's "Half of My Heart" and staring out my window at my yard. There's a good chance there's a flagstone patio installation in my future. And next time I whine about being overwhelmed? Remind me I do it to my myself, would you??

Day 2.

Wayne is doing fantastic. Really rocking it. Able to drive himself and function well.

Just wanted you all to know not to worry. So far so good!!

Today I am spending the day outside with the kids. And my camera. Going to chill and breathe and nothing else.

Day 2. Much better than Day 1...  :)

P.S. Can you imagine this?? Bliss!
Image via decor8 via Anita Kaushal

Haze.

Blogger is messed up today and won't let me post pictures or links. So, I guess this is just a story telling day.

Wayne is having chemo as I type this. His port access is good (a port is a device inserted surgically under his skin to act as an instant IV to administer chemo).

He left this morning with a smile.

I cried and could not look at him.

He has texted me already to tell me things are going slow but good.

We have two weeks of this.

I have no idea how he is going to feel. Or if he will want to eat.

So, I wander around the house in a haze.

Should let my OCD cleaning tendencies kick in but I don't have the energy.

Should do laundry but I am not.

Claire has a fever. I am doing lots of baths to cool her off.

Caeden cried and cried this morning when he woke up when I told him Wayne was starting chemo again (for those who don't know, he has been on break for 5 months). That usually means a sick Dad, a distracted, stressed out Mom, and a lot of talk that children shouldn't have to hear, like, "Well, at least this time I don't have a drip line of Doxirubicin, so the kids can sit near me."

I walk around the house, with so much to do, but completely bogged by down by what I am thinking about.

Is this really our life?

Yesterday I called my Mom. I mostly cried but she still listened to me. I told her how I wasn't doing a good job at anything and I didn't think I had it in me to be what everyone needs me to be.

She said I just needed to go get a cup of coffee and regroup. She will be here in a week to help us all do things like that.

Thank GOD for Mom. Totally brings me back down to earth with a good laugh and some perspective to face the world with.

And Wayne. He is ready. And prepared. And doing it.

And so I walk around in a useless haze, trying to get my act together.

Lovely.

Weekend in Pictures

Linz is officially in her adorable, cute, charming, old Highlands house.

It has fantastic light fixtures, old school heating, and a vintage kitchen that makes me want to throw on an apron.

Besides moving and cleaning, we headed to the wedding dress alterations place for her FINAL fitting.

Oh. My. Jordan.

Wait until you see.

She is a vision in every way.

Stunning.

And she's counting down until she is yours.

Lucky, lucky man.

Whenever we're together it usually involves Chipotle and John Mayer, so the laptop/chip picture is my favorite. There's something about the warm weather, good music, and guac to really get a girl in a good mood!

The top picture is of the store, Wordpress, in the Highlands. This bar with chairs is outside, and it makes me think of Nikki and John every time I walk by it.

Yellow. Purse. 

And me. 

More shots of Lindsay's place. Old fashioned screen door
(I want one!), glass door knobs, hardwood floors, and beautiful yellow flowers blooming out front.

I think she may have to break it to me gently that I do not live there, too. I kinda want to. In a 'I have a family but they don't really miss me for an afternoon' sort of way. 

P.S. I love my iPhone. Taking pictures without them having to be technically correct is so liberating, people!

xoxo

Val