He's Home!

And looking suspiciously tan. I'm wondering if that bald head of his had some pool time.

Wayne looks amazing. He says he feels really good. It's just completely different than how it has been. I am so happy! So relieved. So very, very relieved.

An iPhone picture tomorrow (my camera is in SD) to prove what a looker Wayne is. Seriously, it is just fantastic to have him home. To have him feeling okay.

Let's just hope we can keep his blood count on the rebound! He has appointments all week to keep his blood count in check, and also an appointment coming up with Dr. Parker (his heart surgeon). Then, it's back to Houston on the 22nd for round 4.

Welcome Home Baby.

Tornados

Photo Credit MSNBC.com

(I haven't talked to Wayne yet but will post an update when I hear from him.)

Packing away yesterday, totally unaware of what was going on outside. A mall about 10 minutes from our house is closed due to damage from the tornado (s). I suppose it should have clicked with me when Lindsay text me and said her flight was delayed due to the weather. You can read the story here.

The scary thought? I thought I was really "with it" compared to the day before. :)

Last night me and the kids went over to Melissa and Chris's house for pizza and margaritas. An entire evening of normal. Laughing and catching up was so wonderful. I forget how hunkered down I have been. It was like coming up for air.

Mel has rallied her sweet Mom, Linda, and her friend Laurie to come help me pack Wednesday. Chris has volunteered to take care of the lawn while the house is for sale.

My dear friend Kellie and her husband Dan are headed through Denver on their way to SD and have offered to pick up stuff from the house and bring it up for us (they have a trailer). I had no idea how I was going to get anything but clothes up to Rapid until the "big move."

There are a hundred other acts of kindness and support that have been shown to us. How do I begin to thank you all? I worry that I forgot to send a thank you note, I worry that you don't know how much of a help you really are - how grateful and blessed we feel to have you in our lives. So please forgive me if I haven't been as responsive as I should. But know there is no way we could do it alone.

XOXO

Wayne

Wayne is still doing great. He is on day 4 (total of 6 days this time) and isn't having any of the neuro effects he did before. Dave calls throughout the day to keep me posted on Wayne's progress.

Just wanted to let you all know he's hanging in there!

How It Goes

6 am - kids wake up

6:05 - Caeden asks for breakfast, to which I respond, "We have no milk, bread, or eggs." Caeden says, "Frozen waffle?" Nope. "Toaster Strudel??" Uh...no.

6:15 - We are at the grocery store. Caeden is following behind me, eating a donut straight from the case and still in his pajamas. Claire has hair sticking up all over the place and is also still in jammies. I look horrible, I'm sure, but I never looked in the mirror before we left, so God only knows how bad it really was.

7 am - Back at home, I am feeling like mother of the year because we now have food in the house.

8:30 - Caeden! You have summer camp today!!! (Just remembering). I quickly scramble to get him dressed, put together his snack and bottled water, and found some sunscreen to take along.

8:50 - Arrive at school only to see an empty parking lot. Summer camp was M-Thurs. ... we missed it.

9:00 - Not feeling like mother of the year because now I have a totally upset little boy in the back seat asking me where are all of his friends (That he has missed so much)???

Fast forward to 7:30 pm. The kids are in bed and I got exactly 3 boxes packed today. At this rate I'll be here for another 4 months. Or five.

Hoping to be more "with it" tomorrow. But hey, sometimes that's just how it goes.

In Wayne News:

The past 2 rounds have landed him in the hospital by day 3. He is doing great this time! He isn't nauseous and is cognitively sound. Wonderful, wonderful news. MDA is such a blessing. He's got 3 more days of chemo and will be home (hopefully) on Tuesday.

Love the One You're With ... and the One still in Houston

These two kept each other entertained on our 8+ hour drive home (road construction) today. Caeden makes a lot of ridiculous sounds that get Claire belly laughing - and before I know it, I'm laughing, too.

Our little clan of 3 arrived home to find:

1. Our front lawn looks horrible - HUGE, giant, brown patches of grass ... completely dead. The backyard looks great. Too bad the Realtor won't use a back shot for our for sale flyer.

2. The house smells good. We haven't been home in 2 weeks, but that unique smell hit me when I walked in. It smells like A/C, Downy Fabric Softener, and Summer all rolled into one.

3. A garage full of boxes that my friend Michelle so graciously coordinated for me. Thank You!

4. Leaving is going to be harder than I thought. We drove by the swimming pool and I saw lots of kids splashing with abandon in the pool. I was really looking forward to spending lots of hot, lazy days at the pool with the kids...so Caeden could practice swimming and Claire could look adorable with her belly sticking out over her red polka dot bikini.

5. All my lilies are blooming. Bright yellow and glorious pink petals greeted us from the front porch.

Wayne is doing great. He is still eating and not feeling "off." Dave is taking wonderful care of him, and I hope he knows that me and Donna (his Mom) are loving him tonight. The kind of loving that only a Mom and a Wife know how to do long distance. It's the kind of love where you think of them constantly, wondering if he's cold. Wondering if he is tired. Wondering if something is wrong but if he's too afraid to complain. Wondering if he has a warm blanket. If he'll sleep good tonight.

Donna will probably pick up a lone sock of his, and place it in his room. I'll stare at his side of the bed until my eyelids become too heavy and finally close.

Loving you from afar tonight, baby.

Sometimes there are no words ...

to describe a feeling.

I miss my children and want to see them ASAP. But when I am with them, I will be missing Wayne terribly.

I'll be in a state of ... refer to above photo ... until Wayne is through with chemo and with us again. I'm on an airplane this afternoon and headed back to Rapid and then driving down to Denver tomorrow with the kids. Wayne will be starting chemo as I pull into Denver. He'll be going through 5 days and nights of chemo (some of it is 24 hour continuous infusion) as I pack up the house.

He'll be in Houston with his dad. I'll be in Denver with the kids.

There are no words.

What He's Doing Today

We sit in the nuclear waiting room at 6:30 waiting for another day to begin. This morning he gets a new catheter inserted below his clavicle. Through this line, his chemo will be administered. It's a little early for such seriousness, don't you think?

Today at a Glance

There are fountains. There are trees. Flowers. And Technology.

The building we are in right now is sunny, clean, and full of color. I look around at each person - knowing that we are all on similar journeys - either as the caregiver or the patient, and one thing is for sure - we're in the right place.

Home Away From Home

We've been in Rapid staying with Wayne's parents (here forward referred to as Mom and Dad or Grandpa and Grandma). Caeden cannot get enough. Being outside and "working" keeps him busy, happy, and content. Claire is getting used to her new room (and me sleeping in there, too). She wakes at the crack of dawn and says "Mama Mama" until I cannot resist ... and the day begins.



I write this entry from Houston. It's warm and humid here and it feels fantastic. The city is much cleaner and prettier than I thought it would be. We're staying about a mile from MD Anderson's facilities. Wayne drove me by it this afternoon and I couldn't get over how HUGE it is. Truly impressive.

Wayne's day starts early tomorrow morning and goes until 6 pm. He is going to be busy with tests, scans, and prep work. Tuesday we meet with his new oncologist, Dr. Patel. I fly back to Rapid after the meeting, and Dad will fly down to be with Wayne on Wednesday morning; his third round of chemo begins.

This afternoon we ventured to Magnolia to see my Uncle Tom, Aunt Pam, my cousin Cori and her two girls, Reagan & Ryleigh. They have such a beautiful place and it was great to see them. Family - it doesn't make Houston seem quite so far away from home, you know? Love them. Wish I had brought my camera (how often I think that - I should start carrying a point and shoot when I can't bring my 5D) to show you their amazing house that they built themselves. Just gorgeous.

Wish Wayne luck and patience tomorrow...

Let Her Eat Cake

First taste of sugar. I think she liked it.


She definitely liked helping herself. The look on her face as she dove in was just hilarious. However, those chubby fingers all covered in sweet frosting is what I snapped a picture of.



Making a wish & blowing out that lone, red candle.


Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Claire Bear.

Starting Now

Yesterday Claire turned 1. We went to the park for a picnic, only to get rained out, but the party continued on at Grandpa & Grandma's house. Claire dove into her cake (pictures to come) like a pro. Never one to feed herself, the girl found a way to get that chocolate goodness into her mouth after all.

The photo above was taken at 5 am. While she sleeps through the night now, she rises early!


Have you ever met Lucy Goosie? Our Golden, hairy first born. I taught her to lick my feet! Don't judge me, Wayne wouldn't ever rub them.


We are still in Rapid City. Trying hard to make a 1,000 decisions based on "what ifs" and "but what happens when...?" and "yeah, but have we thought about THIS? That? The other?"

Here is where we are now:

I was offered the position I interviewed for here in Rapid. I'll be working in advertising sales for a wonderful company and am looking forward to the opportunity! To be challenged, to have my own "thing" outside the house is exciting. And, I want to take the burden off of Wayne (worrying about work) so he can focus on getting better.

But I am wondering how putting the kids in daycare, having Wayne going through treatment, trying to sell the house in Denver, and move to Rapid will all go while I am starting this new venture. I know it will all work out, but right now things are just insane around here. Or maybe things are calm and the insanity is just happening in my head. Either way, I have a headache.

Wayne cannot have his chemo here. The Rapid City Cancer Care facility is wonderful, but just not equipped to monitor Wayne's type of chemo. It is a surprise, and an unwelcome obstacle, but we will figure it out. Wayne does not want to return to Denver for treatment (the level of incompetence is staggering) and prefers to go to Houston for all treatment anyway, so it's just the way it is. We'll make it work.

I've been touring daycare and preschool facilities. I think I may have found one I like, but it's across town. The ratio of babies to caregiver is 5:1. Scary. Please tell me everything will be okay. Not staying home with the kids is a big deal to me. Trying to be brave, trying to believe that Claire will still prefer me even though I will only see her a few hours a day. :(

We have decided to go ahead and sell the house (and take a bath on it) to eliminate the burden of carrying a double mortgage and the hassle of having a property to worry about. So, that means sooner or later we can buy a house here. There is an area called "West Blvd" in Rapid that I just adore. It's a neighborhood of older homes with big trees in the yard, front porches, and charm. The problem is that I want to buy one that has already been updated with new electrical, plumbing, windows, etc. Probably not going to happen, BUT, if anyone out there in Rapid Land hears of a little gem like that, let me know!

I'm sure Dave and Donna would appreciate having their house back. I mean, we're loveable enough, but come on, they thought when we left the nest the first time they were off the hook.

The plan going forward:

Fly to Houston this weekend. Wayne starts treatment next week.
Stage and clean the house in Denver. Stick a "for sale" sign in the yard.
Pack up what we need to get by for the summer in Rapid.

Come back to Rapid and start working (me).
Come back to Rapid and recover (Wayne).
Come back to Rapid and go to a new school (Caeden).
Come back to Rapid and realize Mama isn't around much (Claire).
Come back to Rapid and start again.
Come back to Rapid and be okay.

That's What You Get When You Pour Your Heart Out ...

Apparently, instead of running to the computer each time I have a bit of news, I should probably wait a day to make sure it sticks.

We are not selling our house. It seems our neighborhood is full of homes either short selling/homes for sale. So, this means our home is worth sooooo much less because other people are selling their homes for a song. It is a ruthless market, and we have gracefully bowed out. Yes, even after I declared money is nothing - I'll tell you this, walking away from almost everything you have IS something. So, we're keeping the house and still moving to Rapid. If anyone knows of a cute rental up there, let me know!

Ideally it would have hardwood floors, built-ins, a cute yard full of flowers, and lots of character.

Or not.

If it has enough bathrooms, I am not that picky.

But ... big, sunny windows in the kitchen would be nice.

And a housekeeper. That would be on the wish list, too.

Tap, tap. Is this thing working??

Anyway, if you haven't already learned, things change pretty darn quick around here.

Tomorrow we are headed back to Rapid (I have a job interview) and will spend a couple of days up there. Wayne will be heading to Houston later next week. We are still trying to figure out if I am going with him or not. Having children makes things a bit tricky because they are not allowed in the infusion room. Can you imagine keeping a 4 year old boy happy in a tiny hotel room all day while your 12 month old napped? Exactly. Tricky, tricky.

I know everyone is on vacation - and should be out swimming or boating or picnicing or something. So, a blog vacation this weekend would hardly be missed, would it? I'm taking my camera with me this time, so next week I will have plenty of pictures to share.

Let summertime begin!

We Got Our Dance

It went a little something like this:


Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.



The Way You Look Tonight (Frank Sinatra)

It's Our Turn.

I remember when our neighbors across the street fell on hard times. Jen had to get a job, something she really didn't want to do because she had a toddler at home that she wanted to spend time with. I remember how she cried on my front porch over how unfair it was. How cheated she felt.

I remember a hot summer morning, not so long after that conversation with Jen, when Caeden and I were sitting outside on the driveway. We were blowing bubbles at 8 am because he'd been up for 3 hours already and we had run out of things to do inside. I remember Jen's garage door opening up and her SUV pulling out. She was on her way to work. I remember waving to her as she passed by our house ... and I remember the hard look on her face.

I will never forget thinking, "I am so glad that isn't me," as I watched Caeden catch the bubbles I blew in the air.

The truth is, we all take a turn. None of us will remain untouched. No matter how charmed our life, no matter how we think we have everything figured out. Planned. Accounted for.

This afternoon we have a Realtor coming to the house. We're selling during the absolute worst time ever. We'll lose a lot of what we have worked for over these 15 years together. We're doing it because we need to be closer to Rapid City. We're doing it, knowing a home is most certainly not a house. Not an address. A home is not contingent on granite, on square footage, on a backyard.

Home might be a hotel room in Houston. Or perhaps one of Mom and Dad's spare bedrooms. A rental in Rapid. As long as we're together, home is anywhere.

But.

I just hope whoever calls my house "home" appreciates the love that went into painting Claire's room. That they enjoy the gorgeous roses that thrive in the backyard. That they care for the hardwood cherry floors that make this house amazing.

And. I hope they don't take any of it for granted.

3 of a Kind

We took Deadwood by storm Thursday night. We congregated to the #10 and didn't leave for the rest of the night. We danced, we drank, we laughed, we {John & I} had a "who can chug a beer faster contest" {John was a worthy contender, but you know ... it was like taking candy from a baby...}, we bellied up to the tables and gambled a bit. Well, a lot.

The 3 of us pictured above {Me, Lindsay & Mike} walked away with straight flushes. Well, I walked away, stuffing the winnings in my purse cuz' I'm cheap like that, but the rest of the gang played quite a bit. Mike, you were up a TON, did you make it out alive?

Just for fun, the probability:

There are 40 possible straight flushes, including the four Royal Flushes. The probability of being dealt one of them is

Wedding

Photo Credit: Kissen's Camera

I didn't bring my camera to Rapid, and regretted it many, many times. Thankfully, everyone else was much more with it than I was, and now I can download pictures from Snapfish to share with you.

Nicole was such a beautiful bride. She looked stunning - and sooo happy. And then there's John. If the look in his eyes {when he saw Nicole} is any indication of how forever will go, I'd say they are going to live happily ever after.

Caeden was really sick during all of the festivities and made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with the wedding. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, I pleaded with him that if he would just suck it up and be a good ring bearer, there were cupcakes waiting for him ...
The allure of sugar was enticing enough to get him up to the bridal party, and then he flopped down like a wet fish, as I was not clear that he had to stand up as part of the deal...



It was a beautiful, classy, and FUN wedding. Nik and John's friends are incredible people and it was a blast getting to know everyone. So many people love and support Nikki and John and it was obvious all weekend long.

Cheers!

MD Anderson By the Numbers

It turns out MD Anderson is exactly the place we've been looking for. Wayne filled me in on his visit with Dr. Patel and it went something like this:

1. Chemo protocol was incorrect. Mesna was not administered in the correct way (for example, per Doctor's instructions, I was giving it to him at night in a 20 minute IV push, and it should have been dripped for days continuously).

2. A new chemo drug will be added to the cocktail.

3. His scans (MRI, X Ray, CT) were so horribly inconclusive that Dr. Patel has no idea what base line is/should have been. All of this will be re-done today to establish a base line (measurements of primary tumor in hip and mets in lungs).

4. Appointments happen much faster. Communication is paramount (we have access to nurses 24/7 via internet).

5. They know what they are doing. They KNOW what they are doing...!

6. Wayne is doing great. He sounds positive and encouraged. He sounds at ease.

7. I, however, have had to talk myself out of drinking a beer at 9:30 am to take the edge off while I waited for his call. Is it wrong that I miss my plastic vodka flask??

8. Wayne is headed home tomorrow. He gets to spend this weekend and next week non-chemo'ed up. He gets to celebrate Claire's 1st birthday feeling good. I am so excited for that! I hadn't planned anything for her party because we thought he'd be on day 3 of cycle 3 of chemo, which historically, puts him in the hospital.

I think our little girl will get balloons. A cake. And she will have her Daddy.

9. We will be headed back to Houston for his 3rd round of chemo next weekend (last weekend in May). It will be out-patient, so he'll spend his days in the infusion room, and then will be able to rest in a hotel room instead of the hospital.

Just Getting Started

Photo Credit: Mr. Ney Ney

You can't make this stuff up, folks. Let me introduce you to our Deadwood Bus Driver, Clark. That hair ... We laughed about that until we arrived in Deadwood and found other (ourselves) amusements ...

I don't have it in me to recap the weekend tonight, but I promise to bring it tomorrow.

Wayne's in Houston with Dave. His first appointment with Dr. Patel (oncologist) is tomorrow morning. You know I'll keep you posted.

South Dakota or Bust

Mom took Caeden home with her yesterday. They played outside - counting sprinklers, playing basketball, and fertilizing the yard. This morning she took him to the toy store, to get new clothes, a haircut, McDonalds, and dropped him off at school.

WHEW! Talk about nice. Thank you Mom!

So, this afternoon I've been doing laundry and packing for the trip. We were going to drive, but Claire is sick and Caeden came home from school early cuz' he's sick, too. It couldn't be worse timing because Wayne's white blood cell (WBC) count is at it's lowest. So, we decided to fly. Super short 45 minute flight. And then we decided to keep Claire here with Mom (super brave of Mom as Claire is NOT weaned yet).

So, it's just Caeden and us headed to the wedding. We are really looking forward to seeing everyone and getting out of the house. Doing something that doesn't involve cancer. Doing something with family. With friends. It will be the best medicine of all.

Wayne is feeling better all the time, so I just might get that wedding dance. :)

Won't be blogging until I get back (next Monday), but my handy-dandy iPhone gets email, so if you need something, you can find me that way. Or if you need Wayne. But chances are we'll both be in the swimming pool with Caeden until wedding duty calls.

Updates (with wedding pictures) next week!

Houston

We've got a busy couple of weeks ahead of us.

We're headed to Rapid City on Thursday for Nikki & John's wedding. Caeden is the ring bearer and Wayne and I are standing up for the couple. Can't wait!

Next Monday, Wayne and his father will fly to Houston and spend the week at MD Anderson. Wayne has an appointment with Dr. Patel (a medical oncologist) on Tuesday.

Wayne is doing great today. He improves each and every day and is really looking forward to going to SD...