Now and Then

You know how I said that from here on out everything was going to be "before and after?"

*I remember when I used to drive off the freeway exit to go home, I'd always glance at LifeTime Fitness (the gym we joined when Claire was 2 months old because I was having a fit that the baby weight hadn't come off yet), and feel guilty that I hardly ever went.

Now, all I see is Parker Adventist Hospital, right beside the gym. I see the building that told us that Wayne had bigger problems than pneumonia. Now I see the Chick-fil-a restaurant beside it that I used to run and get Wayne grilled chicken sandwiches when he couldn't find something on the hospital menu that sounded decent.

*I remember when I used to get so annoyed when Wayne snored at night. I'd poke him, I'd tap him, I'd sigh really loud, on accident - of course, to get him to stop making noise.

Now, I lay in bed unable to close my eyes because I think I can hear better with my eyes open ... I listen for his snores, for his noises, to tell me that he is asleep, and not nauseated or in pain.

*I remember looking at the kids many times for signs of "me." - Caeden has my eyes, Claire has my nose, etc.

Now, I look at the kids for Wayne. When Wayne was in the hospital, I was home one night watching a cartoon with Caeden before he went to bed. He was snuggled into me and I was playing with his hair ... and I thought, "You have your dad's hair. And look at those lips. You definitely have your dad's lips ..." The sentiment being that when I can't hold Wayne, I can hold them and feel him.

*I remember when I used to bad-mouth fast food. McDonalds? Not a good idea.

Now, I embrace whatever Wayne wants to eat. Today he ate 6 chicken nuggets (over a time span of 40 minutes, but still! Progress!) and I happily ate a cheeseburger and fries beside him.

*I remember when his co-workers were mostly just names to me. Wayne would tell me stories about people at work, and I would imagine what they were like.

Now, I know. The people at Microsoft are kind. Thoughtful. Compassionate. Amazing. When he talks about people now, I don't imagine faces, I see hearts. You all have no idea what your emails, phone calls, and other communications with Wayne mean to him. To us. You keep him smiling, you keep him at ease. Thank you. Thank you for being such wonderful friends. He is truly blessed to have all of you in his life.